My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize