one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
