Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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