My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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