that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
