if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
