apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
