I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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