Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
