i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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