Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
