too bad you live with your parents still
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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