i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
