Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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