Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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