I'm jealous of your bromance
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
