I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
