SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
