You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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