no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
