Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
