You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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