I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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