OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
