I wish my penis had an off switch
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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