apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
