Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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