Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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