your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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