i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
