I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
