i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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