giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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