We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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