We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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