I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
