I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
