My sheets look like a crime scene.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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