I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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