a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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