At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
