She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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