Don't you send me to vm
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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