you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
