i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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