dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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