i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
