I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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