I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We need to get me chipped asap
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
