Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
