U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
