Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you never un-have a 4some
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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