i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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