Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
