lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
