He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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